I first met Sandy at the Miracle Cafe in London in November 07. I could not attend her workshop at that time, but felt then that any seminar or workshop run by Sandy would be special, different from other seminar and workshops I had attended before. When Sandy returned to London with Len Satov, I was fortunate to attend her True Woman's Power workshop. It was indeed a very special weekend for me, although at the start of the workshop I did not have a clear idea of what I would achieve at the end of it. I only knew that I wanted to change the way I felt about life. Even though everything in my life seemed fine (good health, good husband, stress-free job, no serious worries or problems), I often wondered what was wrong with me that I was bothered by a nagging feeling of something lacking in my life, or occasionally by a feeling of depression for no apparent reason.
I always believed I had given my parents a real hard time. I could never understand why only I, out of five siblings, was such a difficult child. At about the time I was born my parents had started following a Japanese spiritual teaching called Seicho-no-Ie (translation into English would be House of Growth). It is a spiritual/religious teaching which has a lot in common with the teachings of A Course in Miracles. My father was very enthusiastic about Seicho-no-Ie and did everything possible to encourage his children to follow this teaching. He also believed in helping other people by introducing them to Seicho-no-Ie, and used to organize meetings at home where all our neighbours were also invited. I did not rebel against my father practicing Seicho-no-Ie with us at home, but did not like the neighbours who came to the meetings. I would see them as busybodies who only came to the meetings to listen to other people's troubles so they could gossip about them later. I used to get really angry at them when they told my parents that we (their children) were not perfect because they (my parents) themselves had not learned the spiritual teachings of Seicho-no-Ie. When that happened I used to direct all my anger at my parents. I do not recall my parents ever losing patience with me. They used to tell me these 'bad' things were not real, and that everybody had a real self which was perfect and full of love. My mother used to tell me between tears, that I would only understand how much she loved all her children equally if I had my own children. As I never had the opportunity (or did not seek an opportunity) to say to my parents how bad I felt about what I did in the past, I must have been carrying a deep sense of guilt all these years.
It struck me during the workshop that it was my ego that was trying to make me believe I had 'understood' what my parents were telling me then; it was my ego trying to make me believe that 'all was fine' because later, when I left home to live abroad I knew my parents had long forgotten and forgiven all those things of the past. As Len was explaining to us about the nature of the ego, I could sense mine frantically trying to pull back layers of black sheets over the light that is the 'real me'.
After the workshop I started to feel that some shift had happened inside me, as if the fault zones that used to trigger negative feelings had been repaired. I'm not sure exactly when that shift had happened, but I know now that those negative feelings were connected with the guilt I felt about the 'bad' things I believed I had done to people around me, especially my parents. At times when I felt depressed about something missing in my life, I believed that it was my 'lack' of children. But as this feeling also seems to have gone now, it must have been connected with the guilt I had been carrying about making my mother suffer - my ego's devious manipulation.
If I ever experience similar kind of negative feelings again, I will know they are not real, so I can just let them go without wasting time trying to understand them or trying to deal with them. Instead, all I need is to go on learning to forgive myself and to wake up from other 'bad dreams' I had believed were real.
Thank you Sandy, Len and all other assistants and participants I was so fortunate to meet at the workshop.
Fran
London, May 2008
